so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
