this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
