Don't make out with my wife yet
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
