there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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