last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
