Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
