So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
