That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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