You really coming over, don't trick.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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