the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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