my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
