how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
