i'm signing you up for texting rehab
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
