I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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