seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My bed smells like the plague
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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