I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
