none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
