Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
