Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
