WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
