Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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