We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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