listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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