Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
