mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
