I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
we should paint friendship bongs
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
