a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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