I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
