I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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