I looked at my own cervix.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Randomize
