Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
