And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
we made out on top of his cat.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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