I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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