If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
