I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
