By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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