Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
