so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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