one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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