Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
