The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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