There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
