that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
