Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize