If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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