Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Randomize
