Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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