So drunk its hurt
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
