I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
