i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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