No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
