apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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