You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
