oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i will never coherently bang her
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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