I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
