Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
