please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
