I met the friendliest cop last night
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
