I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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