No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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