i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
