everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
